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"Hey Dad," one of my kids asked the other day, "What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?" "We didn't have fast food when I was growing up," I informed him. "All the food was slow." "C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?"

"It was a place called at home," I explained. "Grandma cooked every day and when Grandpa got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it."

By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table. But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it:

Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis, set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card. In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears AND Roebuck. Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died.

My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow). We didn't have a television in our house until I was 11, but my grandparents had one before that. It was, of course, black and white, but they bought a piece of colored plastic to cover the screen. The top third was blue, like the sky, and the bottom third was green, like grass. The middle third was red. It was perfect for programs that had scenes of fire trucks riding across someone's lawn on a sunny day. Some people had a lens taped to the front of the TV to make the picture look larger.

I was 13 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called "pizza pie." When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever had.

We didn't have a car until I was 15. Before that, the only car in our family was my grandfather's Ford. He called it a "machine."

I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.

Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was.

All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers. I delivered a newspaper, six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which I got to keep 2 cents. I had to get up at 4 AM every morning. On Saturday, I had to collect the 42 cents from my customers. My favorite customers were the ones who gave me 50 cents and told me to keep the change. My least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.
Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. Touching someone else's tongue with yours was called French kissing and they didn't do that in movies. I don't know what they did in French movies. French movies were dirty and we weren't allowed to see them.

If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.

Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it? __MEMORIES from a friend: _My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to "sprinkle" clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old. ____How many do you remember? _Head lights dimmer switches on the floor. _Ignition switches on the dashboard. _Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall. _Real ice boxes. _Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards. _Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner. _Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.

Older Than Dirt Quiz: Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about Ratings at the bottom.

1. Blackjack chewing gum _2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water _3. Candy cigarettes _4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles _5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes _6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers _7. Party lines _8. Newsreels before the movie _9. P.F. Flyers _10. Butch wax _11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (OLive-6933) _12. Peashooters _13. Howdy Doody _14. 45 RPM records _15. S&H Green Stamps _16 Hi-fi's _17. Metal ice trays with lever _18. Mimeograph paper _19 Blue flashbulb _20. Packards _21. Roller skate keys _22. Cork popguns _23. Drive-ins _24. Studebakers _25. Wash tub wringers!

If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young _If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older _If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age, _If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!

I might be older than dirt but those memories are the best part of my life.

"Senility Prayer"...God grant me... _The senility to forget the people I never liked _The good fortune to run into the ones that I do _And the eyesight to tell the difference."